Krtbrgtzz, Norway—A team of international superstars in the field of megamicrobiology have discovered what they believe to be the smallest component of matter in the universe: Ron Anderson’s ego. The discovery came with the aid of a nuclear-powered microscope called the XRT5000 that uses satellites in a low-earth orbit to capture images below the sub-sub-atomic level.
“We’ve always had theories postulating the existence of the godfather of Minneapolis advertising’s ego. But we’ve never seen it, let alone been able to prove it actually exists. Until now.” said a jubilant Dr. Pantik Whipslop, the scientific team’s leader. “Some early American Advertising Federation (AAF) studies back in the late ‘80s thought they had discovered it but these were later disproved.”
It was a little after 3 AM last Friday when the discovery was confirmed. Scientists had been examining electrons orbiting an atom of the DNA found in a strand of Mr. Anderson’s hair when they detected an anomaly.
After further testing, they were able to prove—with what one member called “a high degree of certainty”— they had at last discovered Ron Anderson’s ego.
Still undergoing observation, the actual ego is said to measure .00199999 angstroms across. An angstrom is one ten-billionth of a meter.
Officials from the Guinness Book of World Records are en route to the facility just outside of Krtbrgtzz to confirm the ego as the world’s smallest object.
When asked to comment on the discovery, Mr. Anderson shuffled his feet, looked down and said “Awww, shucks.” He then invited reporters to help themselves to a platter full of snickerdoodles just baked by his wife, Charlotte.
This article first appeared in Amazing Ad World News on 12/19/2000.